Already Always Knowing

I have heard this so many times – okay let me be more authentic that I have done it so many times – when someone is talking to me I have cut them short – I have asked them

·         Please get to the point

·         I know what you are talking  about

·         I understand

·         I know where you are coming from

·         Have already formed an opinion about the person who is talking before he talks

·         Have categories people in various  compartments and I already know how I am going to react when they talk to me

·         I like them or don’t like them and it affects my reaction

·         I agree or disagree before listening completely

Why do I think like that – how did I get like this ? I was a nice person and while pretending to listen to people – I was actually doing that – oh my God! Unbelievable!!!

I will get better – don’t worry – being aware is 50% work done and the rest I will need all the help and support – help me !!

Realms of possibilities

I loved the course that I am attending - it is challenging indeed - it is about life, being, integrity and bring authentic. There are time when I get lost in the course and even then I make myself see the openings in life that it is bringing for me. It was a wonderful day today - went for trekking in the morning with Afghan guy and he moved like a cheetah and I have huffing and puffing - plan to do the same tomorrow but with a different trek
Met various people - some how they seem to be impressed with me and who I am . I am keeping a low profile and this is perhaps the first course where people don't know my name also and I keep quiet don't question am trying to learn with an open mind - there are so many possibilities when I keep my mind open. Today I heard from an old friend spoke to him after an year I guess and It felt great .. so when mind is open great things happen my way... found time off to do something that I should have done..this place called Asia Pleateu has communities staying and there are students who cook, clean and these people come from all over the world .. just so many different countries singing - the experience was awesome
I want to create happiness and peace around me and that is my context these days
Had a wonderful time with people singing in evening and I felt a bond and then I heard my name all over the place...signing off
 life gets better

Context

I am in this course where I wonder as to what I am doing here - what indeed will I do here. It is about "being" and the fact that you can be an effective leader - am I  comprehending what is going on here - not really - it is making me very fidgety and restless. Everyone here seems to have gone to " Landmark " - I am the only one who has not gone there indeed. Everyone is self employed and they are actually spending their own money to learn this - So I am sure it is going to be very wonderful - how much I will have to wait and see. I am trying my best to be open about it. - I am going to learn the tresures that are here .
I just finished having coffee  with few people I did not know - and it was great - I was almost dragged to join and then the conversation flowed so well.. I had dinner with three brothers who have a  business in Delhi and they were talking about this course.
The whole thing is turning into enchanting mystery and I hope I fall in love with course - I love the place where I am staying and people around already

The Afghan connection

I met this guy yesterday when I was asking for directions for my room in the course . There were two guys some odd twenty year old standing there and giving people directions, they did not appear to be Indians or I was too tired and preoccupied after ten hour journey to find out . So I asked them dircetions and they told me where I had to go. When I was talking to them it was then I noticed that they were not Indians but then I thought interesting - let me find out more when I get time and moved on . At that time I was on the phone and quite engrossed in the conversation that I was having on phone - so I came down again to the corner where these guys were sitting and noticed that these two guys were helping with a passion
I let them be and then I noticed that one of the guys did not have an arm. So this guy was from Afghanistan and the other person was from Tibet.Then I probed (?) further and found out that they were under an exchange program at Asia Pleataeu - So I asked them about dinner whereabouts and then went up wit them for dinner. At dinner I came across very interesting people and then I saw them again . Everyone here clears the dishes and washes them for others. Reminded me of the work that happens in Gurudwara . It was like one big community indeed . I had interesting conversation with everyone  and then I was worried for my morning walk ..new place what do I do where will I go - is it safe etc. etc.
Then I asked the Afghan guy - his name is Khalid if we went for a walk - he said he did - so I asked him I could join him for a walk - he agreed so we went for walk at 6 and then I heard his whole story of his life about how he lost an arm ; how most of his family were killed - how he worked for 20 hours so that he could stufy and how his one arm has never been hindrance in anything in life but driving - wow - It has such a great listening and I wish I could jot all the details here ...

Change of place

I came to Panchgani after spending a great day yesterday. It is about a course here and I came with a lot of happy thoughts in my mind. I thought about good things in life that were happening to me and all great things that were about to come my way . I was not so happy earlier but I grew happy - made myself grow happy - does that sound like me ? no iy does not - I have a mind that cribs and complains as well. It take a lot to make me happy but some days I have to tell myself - " I made a choice that I am going to be happy today" .
That does the trick indeed - and I find myself growing happier

Change of place changed my mood or was it just my mood that just helped me love change of place - it is really a place where I am that I could fall in love and live for ever

The woods are lovely
dark and deep.....

Contradictions

I was thinking yesterday that is loneliness a state of mind or any other emotion for that matter . The more I think about it the more I am learning that all emotions can be corrected by state of mind - wow that is wonderful discovery indeed- but the fact that everyone else knows it as well. I don't know it well enough but there is no hram in learning it
These days I miss the fact my son is not so small  and is grown up and I am reminded of all things that he was when he was an infant - I loved looking after and fussing after him - these days there is no chance . Well what can I say - you need to let go and move on. I am a little proud of him and I must say the constant challenging him to do more by my husband has really helped him to blossom into a wonderful human being . I like the way he has grown up but the fact that he does not need me anymore is tough - in fact I am going to contradict myself when I say this. He is love of my life but I like his independence as well - it bothers me when he is not and yet I feel bad that he does not need me as much . How do I explain these contractions ??

Ooof learning

How difficult is to learn and evolve - it is more tough than anything that I know. Learning is not easy for me - it just goes on to make me feel inadequate - painful so much so - that I have to run away sometimes. I am going to a Harvard course and I have so much pre reading to do - it is interesting but tough. I am also trying my hand at Sudoku - I saw so many people playing all around me - I wanted to always but could not bring myself to ask anyone - they all asked me - hey don't you know it or what is there to learn but I knew I don't know it and I have to make a lot of effort to learn it. Then I decided that enough is enough I need to learn
This is not taking me anywhere indeed
I mustered enough courage and went ahead to a person who I was sure that will not make fun of me if I asked this - then I asked him to teach me Suduko and he did . What a relief it was that I could know what it was all about. I had so much inertia about going about asking . Now comes the part of learning I am clocking thirty minutes and that too after checking and making few guess works along the way . I never seem to be able to do it well. - Thirty minutes for an easy sudoku - well that is rather hilarious ? but I need to go on . I read in a book called the talent code about importance of repeatability and practice - who knows one day I may become the best in it. I still feel bad that it does not come to me naturally.

Roller coaster

What is that happens to be – why do I go like a pendulum  - why cannot I be constant in life – is life made of such swings for everybody or is it just me that goes through them? Can you imagine that I lose count of the number of emotions that I go through a day – I just cannot fathom the emotional roller coaster life becomes. I have known and studies in depth that meditation is the answer and perhaps the best solution . I think that is a good idea and that I should try to do it . That should explain why some people are more peaceful than others really . I strive to be in that category – I should have the emotional balance – not that it goes haywire but it needs to get better than it is currently

Yesterday

I was looking forward to yesterday when the day began as it was a Sunday and that too a nice sunny one. This is rare - I loved the way I got up with a zing in my step from the bed - I thought the day would be full of cheer and love - little did I know that I will be so tired and miserable by the end of day that I will wish I had not looked forward to it - How the day panned - it was not perhaps the air that changed - I think it was just me who changed.

My definition

why do my holidays get so hectic - the answer is simple because I make them so - I have often asked me this question a million times - " why do I have to pack so much in a day" - well perhaps that is because I cannot have enough of it - I need more from life - I know that is perhaps not the right way but it is my way and my definition - it will change and evolve perhaps but for now it is what I believe life is

So what?

When I start writing I sometimes am not sure but I think the whole business of writing about it helps me think deeper about things and reflect on them as it is – I love the fact that I am able to reflect – so this blog seems like a medium for me to evolve – I am not sure if anyone reads the blog or not but few years from now I will go through it and think – of so that was what I was like when I was 44 – I love to mention my age so often – more because I am sure that I don’t forget it at all . I have seen a lot of people who are in denial about old and getting older – I think you need to continuously reinforce it to yourself and then say – hey it is all right and getting older in not perhaps associated with lot of things that we think it is associated with . So what? Does it make any difference to what I want to do, wear , play  and live my life like.

Routine

So yesterday was a nice day – well someday even when you are beaten up and bruised – you feel – that was not so bad really. I am really glad that even after having a tough day I felt like this. I ended up learning more – and I love to learn more. Today morning I was reading a book by Larry King which says “ How to talk to anyone –anytime anywhere “ – I was thinking to myself -  I don’t need to read this book at all and perhaps I can write this better than Larry King himself – not sure I can but I definitely talk to anyone – reflecting that I can provided I am in proper frame of mind . I have often seen myself when I get into one of my swings I just don’t feel like talking – not even to myself

Differentiating

There was a time when hard work was appreciated and paid for. I wonder if this has changes significantly – according to me it has – these days hard work is a given – everyone I know is working hard – sometimes I wonder are there people existing anymore who don’t . What I mean is that hard work is a given – its is no longer a differentiating quality that it used to be – so what exactly differentiates – I struggle – It is honestly or is it integrity or thinking or approach . I work on leadership but to me often people are so unique and I get caught up in their uniqueness to chalk out similarities . I have none perhaps

Idyllic Sundays

Idyllic Sunday that was few days back- Sundays are days meant to reflect and do a course correction in everything whether it is work, home, friends and relationships - it gives you space to evolve and think that that was what I did on Sunday - I reflected , pondered  and brooded about what was bothering me - I did all that I could do so that I could really enjoy and relish all I was doing
Perhaps the thoughts that emerged that I should be a better person on all counts - possible ? - well at least till next idyllic Sunday

Opinion

What do you think of this?

That just because two people argue, It doesn't mean they don't love each other. And just because they don't argue, It doesn't mean they do love each other

Resilience

Today I got up with a new determination that I could do it all and make things work . I looked outside and saw that there are a lot of people who are less fortunate that I am and that they have not brought it on themselves. I have added though I did not feel like a new rigor and bounce in my step . I think it will come internally soon to me . I have been so busy over  last  few days that I did not have time to notice how I was feeling – perhaps that it was blessing in disguise . As always there will be vibrations that go in my heart for pulling me up and holding my hand and taking it across. Is this resilience is all about – I don’t know and but whatever it is I need to develop more of it. At the movement I am acutely short of it and wish I had a bit more of it

Resilience helps us bounce back and perhaps with more conviction and courage . This is what keeps  perhaps is the ingredient that all of us wish we had more of it. I am amazed how some people are able to withstand and move on – I fail so much indeed. This is also the same and  survival skills perhaps. When I read stories of brave people who survived and those who did not – they perhaps had more resilience in them.

Now the question is how to build this resilience – I think this comes from having a purpose or direction in life – it comes from the fact that you know where is your destination and it does not matter if you stumble across. Sometimes you may fall down an dgte severely injured but in the end if you know your destination – you will make it – I think in the journey of life it is so important to define your destination

Seraching for silver lining

Have you been ever been in a situation that you don’t know where to go and what to do . Sometimes this kind of situation is the opposite of a “lose lose “ situation. When you know either way you will fall – it is these situations that inspire a different kind of reaction . Why I feel like this – well there has to be a reason . Often we try to visualize a life ahead of us and think perhaps our life is going to go much better. Other times we take a decision in life that tells us “ no matter what you do life is going to be bad” . I wait and watch how bad it can be and then say – “ oh so this is the worst “ – well let me cope and if I have to tide through this. Those are the times in my life when I remind myself – I have often had situations like this and perhaps much worse and I came out well – perhaps not very well – perhaps I was bruised but I healed no matter what . So I will heal today itself. I think it is not that things go bad in a day – it is just that sometimes things are staring at you in your face and you choose to ignore them and brush them under the carpet . It comes back and bounces right there in front of us and expands exponentially. Then the first thing that you wish is – that you knew it all along it is just that you choose to ignore it. Second is that you just have yourself to blame. The third was most vital is picking up threads and moving one. The third part is toughest part – you can perhaps manage to do the first two but third is easier said than done. Your mistake , blame all yours and  so is learning . At the end you become wiser , capable and experienced. There is always a silver lining