The old year

I often think why do people spend so much time welcoming the new - or is it about letting go of the old which is more important. We can always embrace the new but perhaps the whole celebration is about letting go of the old .. We human beings are very good at embracing the new provided it does not interfere with our old set ways.
New year in some ways signifies that we are forced to let old year go by and let us not think about what has gone but try to welcome the new . The whole celebration tradition is perhaps to make sure that we do it well and completely let go
Intriguing is it not?

Back again

How good it feels to be back to be able to write again - pen my thoughts - I was with family and extended family and it felt so good to let my hair down - not have a bath till noon. Sit in the winter Sun after a long time - bask in Sun literally - read a book in wide sun - can there be anything better than just doing nothing !! and scheduling to do nothing ...
I flew from Mumbai where temperature was 28 degree C to Bhopal where it was 7 degree C and then I wanted to crib in usual style and say - oh my god - why is it so cold. I rather enjoyed each bit immensely

The small city has so much to offer - we can really get caught in hustle and bustle of mega cities - I enjoy both but eventually both get to me

Already Always Knowing

I have heard this so many times – okay let me be more authentic that I have done it so many times – when someone is talking to me I have cut them short – I have asked them

·         Please get to the point

·         I know what you are talking  about

·         I understand

·         I know where you are coming from

·         Have already formed an opinion about the person who is talking before he talks

·         Have categories people in various  compartments and I already know how I am going to react when they talk to me

·         I like them or don’t like them and it affects my reaction

·         I agree or disagree before listening completely

Why do I think like that – how did I get like this ? I was a nice person and while pretending to listen to people – I was actually doing that – oh my God! Unbelievable!!!

I will get better – don’t worry – being aware is 50% work done and the rest I will need all the help and support – help me !!

Realms of possibilities

I loved the course that I am attending - it is challenging indeed - it is about life, being, integrity and bring authentic. There are time when I get lost in the course and even then I make myself see the openings in life that it is bringing for me. It was a wonderful day today - went for trekking in the morning with Afghan guy and he moved like a cheetah and I have huffing and puffing - plan to do the same tomorrow but with a different trek
Met various people - some how they seem to be impressed with me and who I am . I am keeping a low profile and this is perhaps the first course where people don't know my name also and I keep quiet don't question am trying to learn with an open mind - there are so many possibilities when I keep my mind open. Today I heard from an old friend spoke to him after an year I guess and It felt great .. so when mind is open great things happen my way... found time off to do something that I should have done..this place called Asia Pleateu has communities staying and there are students who cook, clean and these people come from all over the world .. just so many different countries singing - the experience was awesome
I want to create happiness and peace around me and that is my context these days
Had a wonderful time with people singing in evening and I felt a bond and then I heard my name all over the place...signing off
 life gets better

Context

I am in this course where I wonder as to what I am doing here - what indeed will I do here. It is about "being" and the fact that you can be an effective leader - am I  comprehending what is going on here - not really - it is making me very fidgety and restless. Everyone here seems to have gone to " Landmark " - I am the only one who has not gone there indeed. Everyone is self employed and they are actually spending their own money to learn this - So I am sure it is going to be very wonderful - how much I will have to wait and see. I am trying my best to be open about it. - I am going to learn the tresures that are here .
I just finished having coffee  with few people I did not know - and it was great - I was almost dragged to join and then the conversation flowed so well.. I had dinner with three brothers who have a  business in Delhi and they were talking about this course.
The whole thing is turning into enchanting mystery and I hope I fall in love with course - I love the place where I am staying and people around already

The Afghan connection

I met this guy yesterday when I was asking for directions for my room in the course . There were two guys some odd twenty year old standing there and giving people directions, they did not appear to be Indians or I was too tired and preoccupied after ten hour journey to find out . So I asked them dircetions and they told me where I had to go. When I was talking to them it was then I noticed that they were not Indians but then I thought interesting - let me find out more when I get time and moved on . At that time I was on the phone and quite engrossed in the conversation that I was having on phone - so I came down again to the corner where these guys were sitting and noticed that these two guys were helping with a passion
I let them be and then I noticed that one of the guys did not have an arm. So this guy was from Afghanistan and the other person was from Tibet.Then I probed (?) further and found out that they were under an exchange program at Asia Pleataeu - So I asked them about dinner whereabouts and then went up wit them for dinner. At dinner I came across very interesting people and then I saw them again . Everyone here clears the dishes and washes them for others. Reminded me of the work that happens in Gurudwara . It was like one big community indeed . I had interesting conversation with everyone  and then I was worried for my morning walk ..new place what do I do where will I go - is it safe etc. etc.
Then I asked the Afghan guy - his name is Khalid if we went for a walk - he said he did - so I asked him I could join him for a walk - he agreed so we went for walk at 6 and then I heard his whole story of his life about how he lost an arm ; how most of his family were killed - how he worked for 20 hours so that he could stufy and how his one arm has never been hindrance in anything in life but driving - wow - It has such a great listening and I wish I could jot all the details here ...

Change of place

I came to Panchgani after spending a great day yesterday. It is about a course here and I came with a lot of happy thoughts in my mind. I thought about good things in life that were happening to me and all great things that were about to come my way . I was not so happy earlier but I grew happy - made myself grow happy - does that sound like me ? no iy does not - I have a mind that cribs and complains as well. It take a lot to make me happy but some days I have to tell myself - " I made a choice that I am going to be happy today" .
That does the trick indeed - and I find myself growing happier

Change of place changed my mood or was it just my mood that just helped me love change of place - it is really a place where I am that I could fall in love and live for ever

The woods are lovely
dark and deep.....

Contradictions

I was thinking yesterday that is loneliness a state of mind or any other emotion for that matter . The more I think about it the more I am learning that all emotions can be corrected by state of mind - wow that is wonderful discovery indeed- but the fact that everyone else knows it as well. I don't know it well enough but there is no hram in learning it
These days I miss the fact my son is not so small  and is grown up and I am reminded of all things that he was when he was an infant - I loved looking after and fussing after him - these days there is no chance . Well what can I say - you need to let go and move on. I am a little proud of him and I must say the constant challenging him to do more by my husband has really helped him to blossom into a wonderful human being . I like the way he has grown up but the fact that he does not need me anymore is tough - in fact I am going to contradict myself when I say this. He is love of my life but I like his independence as well - it bothers me when he is not and yet I feel bad that he does not need me as much . How do I explain these contractions ??

Ooof learning

How difficult is to learn and evolve - it is more tough than anything that I know. Learning is not easy for me - it just goes on to make me feel inadequate - painful so much so - that I have to run away sometimes. I am going to a Harvard course and I have so much pre reading to do - it is interesting but tough. I am also trying my hand at Sudoku - I saw so many people playing all around me - I wanted to always but could not bring myself to ask anyone - they all asked me - hey don't you know it or what is there to learn but I knew I don't know it and I have to make a lot of effort to learn it. Then I decided that enough is enough I need to learn
This is not taking me anywhere indeed
I mustered enough courage and went ahead to a person who I was sure that will not make fun of me if I asked this - then I asked him to teach me Suduko and he did . What a relief it was that I could know what it was all about. I had so much inertia about going about asking . Now comes the part of learning I am clocking thirty minutes and that too after checking and making few guess works along the way . I never seem to be able to do it well. - Thirty minutes for an easy sudoku - well that is rather hilarious ? but I need to go on . I read in a book called the talent code about importance of repeatability and practice - who knows one day I may become the best in it. I still feel bad that it does not come to me naturally.

Roller coaster

What is that happens to be – why do I go like a pendulum  - why cannot I be constant in life – is life made of such swings for everybody or is it just me that goes through them? Can you imagine that I lose count of the number of emotions that I go through a day – I just cannot fathom the emotional roller coaster life becomes. I have known and studies in depth that meditation is the answer and perhaps the best solution . I think that is a good idea and that I should try to do it . That should explain why some people are more peaceful than others really . I strive to be in that category – I should have the emotional balance – not that it goes haywire but it needs to get better than it is currently

Yesterday

I was looking forward to yesterday when the day began as it was a Sunday and that too a nice sunny one. This is rare - I loved the way I got up with a zing in my step from the bed - I thought the day would be full of cheer and love - little did I know that I will be so tired and miserable by the end of day that I will wish I had not looked forward to it - How the day panned - it was not perhaps the air that changed - I think it was just me who changed.

My definition

why do my holidays get so hectic - the answer is simple because I make them so - I have often asked me this question a million times - " why do I have to pack so much in a day" - well perhaps that is because I cannot have enough of it - I need more from life - I know that is perhaps not the right way but it is my way and my definition - it will change and evolve perhaps but for now it is what I believe life is

So what?

When I start writing I sometimes am not sure but I think the whole business of writing about it helps me think deeper about things and reflect on them as it is – I love the fact that I am able to reflect – so this blog seems like a medium for me to evolve – I am not sure if anyone reads the blog or not but few years from now I will go through it and think – of so that was what I was like when I was 44 – I love to mention my age so often – more because I am sure that I don’t forget it at all . I have seen a lot of people who are in denial about old and getting older – I think you need to continuously reinforce it to yourself and then say – hey it is all right and getting older in not perhaps associated with lot of things that we think it is associated with . So what? Does it make any difference to what I want to do, wear , play  and live my life like.

Routine

So yesterday was a nice day – well someday even when you are beaten up and bruised – you feel – that was not so bad really. I am really glad that even after having a tough day I felt like this. I ended up learning more – and I love to learn more. Today morning I was reading a book by Larry King which says “ How to talk to anyone –anytime anywhere “ – I was thinking to myself -  I don’t need to read this book at all and perhaps I can write this better than Larry King himself – not sure I can but I definitely talk to anyone – reflecting that I can provided I am in proper frame of mind . I have often seen myself when I get into one of my swings I just don’t feel like talking – not even to myself

Differentiating

There was a time when hard work was appreciated and paid for. I wonder if this has changes significantly – according to me it has – these days hard work is a given – everyone I know is working hard – sometimes I wonder are there people existing anymore who don’t . What I mean is that hard work is a given – its is no longer a differentiating quality that it used to be – so what exactly differentiates – I struggle – It is honestly or is it integrity or thinking or approach . I work on leadership but to me often people are so unique and I get caught up in their uniqueness to chalk out similarities . I have none perhaps

Idyllic Sundays

Idyllic Sunday that was few days back- Sundays are days meant to reflect and do a course correction in everything whether it is work, home, friends and relationships - it gives you space to evolve and think that that was what I did on Sunday - I reflected , pondered  and brooded about what was bothering me - I did all that I could do so that I could really enjoy and relish all I was doing
Perhaps the thoughts that emerged that I should be a better person on all counts - possible ? - well at least till next idyllic Sunday

Opinion

What do you think of this?

That just because two people argue, It doesn't mean they don't love each other. And just because they don't argue, It doesn't mean they do love each other

Resilience

Today I got up with a new determination that I could do it all and make things work . I looked outside and saw that there are a lot of people who are less fortunate that I am and that they have not brought it on themselves. I have added though I did not feel like a new rigor and bounce in my step . I think it will come internally soon to me . I have been so busy over  last  few days that I did not have time to notice how I was feeling – perhaps that it was blessing in disguise . As always there will be vibrations that go in my heart for pulling me up and holding my hand and taking it across. Is this resilience is all about – I don’t know and but whatever it is I need to develop more of it. At the movement I am acutely short of it and wish I had a bit more of it

Resilience helps us bounce back and perhaps with more conviction and courage . This is what keeps  perhaps is the ingredient that all of us wish we had more of it. I am amazed how some people are able to withstand and move on – I fail so much indeed. This is also the same and  survival skills perhaps. When I read stories of brave people who survived and those who did not – they perhaps had more resilience in them.

Now the question is how to build this resilience – I think this comes from having a purpose or direction in life – it comes from the fact that you know where is your destination and it does not matter if you stumble across. Sometimes you may fall down an dgte severely injured but in the end if you know your destination – you will make it – I think in the journey of life it is so important to define your destination

Seraching for silver lining

Have you been ever been in a situation that you don’t know where to go and what to do . Sometimes this kind of situation is the opposite of a “lose lose “ situation. When you know either way you will fall – it is these situations that inspire a different kind of reaction . Why I feel like this – well there has to be a reason . Often we try to visualize a life ahead of us and think perhaps our life is going to go much better. Other times we take a decision in life that tells us “ no matter what you do life is going to be bad” . I wait and watch how bad it can be and then say – “ oh so this is the worst “ – well let me cope and if I have to tide through this. Those are the times in my life when I remind myself – I have often had situations like this and perhaps much worse and I came out well – perhaps not very well – perhaps I was bruised but I healed no matter what . So I will heal today itself. I think it is not that things go bad in a day – it is just that sometimes things are staring at you in your face and you choose to ignore them and brush them under the carpet . It comes back and bounces right there in front of us and expands exponentially. Then the first thing that you wish is – that you knew it all along it is just that you choose to ignore it. Second is that you just have yourself to blame. The third was most vital is picking up threads and moving one. The third part is toughest part – you can perhaps manage to do the first two but third is easier said than done. Your mistake , blame all yours and  so is learning . At the end you become wiser , capable and experienced. There is always a silver lining

Fatigue

I am in strange frame of mind today while on one hand I feel charged up and looking forward to today – on the other hand it is an effort to drag myself up and go . Is it fatigue – and is the fatigue mental or physical. Till now I have been great believer in fatigue is all mental but that was for preaching others when it come to me I think I try to rationalize it that it is all physical and that because my body is not responding so my mind would not respond as well . I have found myself externalizing the whole thing . I was sitting and reflecting on the long drive to work today and I thought that it is so much internal. I took the blame and reasonability of setting it right. There are times when we make so many mistakes and some big and small and then we don’t own them up. These things perhaps come back in various shapes and forms and haunt us . I am being haunted by some these days . I have to take accountability and responsibility to setting them right and perhaps my fatigue will fade away

Why write

Yesterday was another day – full of so many emotions and events. Each day is like a rainbow and it is mixed with so many colors that you don’t know what you can make out from a day what was the predominant emotion that day – when people ask me how was my day was - or how I am - I don't respond immediately I think and then respond on how I am or how my day was ..the irony is I am not sure they really want to know but never mind I get to think

Today I have been traveling to Nashik with Colleagues – now that I am Nashik I thought I must write a few lines . I am more and more convinced that writing is such a powerful medium of expressing – sometimes the thoughts that you have in your mind come out when you write . The advantage that you have with writing is that when you can sit back and look at what you write while with other thoughts it becomes very tough to pull them back.

I miss the blog and writing few lines these days

Mojo

I am not sure what a feeling that what you went ahead to be completed or accomplished has been achieved .  Perhaps it is called Mojo perhaps it is not  - that is not the point. Have you ever run a race with all your heart and then won it. There was a feeling of elation and joy that you expected to experience and it never comes. The feeling that sometimes you are left with is that what it was ! I fine it truly amazing that mirage that was supposed to be there at heaven – never really is there even if your each horizon. I am not sure that it happens with me or everyone else. I think wow – it will be heaven when I become CEO and the day I become it is so drab – I am not sure there is no success – of course it is there – is the happiness equal to what we imagine that we will get once we are there ? for me it happened but is momentary and short lived. The point is “ are things worth striving so hard for – that we always do” – and why we do it – because perhaps we think there is immense happiness waiting for us there - is it there ?

Occurrence

I was in a meeting yesterday and then I thought about  meetings and outcomes. I sometimes see a very little correlation between them. But then comes the bigger question to my mind – are meetings about achieving outcomes. We go back to decision making theory that says a how you make a decision. We have all heard  a lot of Dilbert’s jokes on what meetings are. We have also heard about “ why do we  need so many meetings” – to me meetings represent a form of listening . When you are included in  a meeting it seems someone is making an attempt to listen to you at least . I think inclusion is something that needs to practiced and loved in an organization. To me meetings are shining examples of inclusion and inclusive frameworks that organization is  attempting to built. I think we perhaps can optimize meetings but sometimes they  just breathe life into otherwise mundane stuff . I love to observe the dynamics in the team – I love to see patterns that evolve and to my “ behavioral diagnostic” mind it is a true laboratory. I relish them – at least most of them. Those who stay away don’t know what they are missing

City beckons?

I was in Bhopal yesterday and as I was going through the greenery and congestion free roads it occurred to me that will I like to live and breathe fresh air – I thought I will for some time but then the congestion of city  beckons me . I wonder why – perhaps I have lived all my life in a small town and then growing up in a small town was great but I suppose I reached a point of saturation there . I just wanted to “test” myself out in big city and that do I really have what it takes to survive there . I think in some ways I am still testing it out. In a crazy way I am in love with the crowds and challenges of the city – perhaps I will reach saturation and go back to small towns and villages to grow old there but not yet.

Deviations

Sometimes I wonder as to what I do I really want. I ponder and brood but without any conclusions. Why do I behave the way I do – what happens to me sometimes when I deviate from normal - whar really is normal and how do I remain normal

prodigy

I have a child who is now grown up . As I sit through and observe how he evolved it gives me an immense sense of surprise. When he was a small child he was a very hyperactive child who was very cheerful and noisy. He wanted me around all the time and I was his world – I remember how he will yell and create a ruckus when I am away. There was constant furore at home when he was awake and constant activity. I vividly remember that he was an aggressive child. He was born as a big child – with chubby drooping cheeks . So any time any child his age used to come he would be against a giant and aggressive child and imagine what his plight would be ! I remember an incident where he would always  be smiling whenever a Stanger used to pass by . I used to take him for walks in stroller and there would be those small toys in stroller which  he used to keep throwing out . I used to be careful not to be visible when I was pushing the stroller at the moment he used to see me – he would start pick me up  - “ pick me up “ and then in the end – I will pick him and push the stroller while carrying him ; believe me it was not easy ; it was really very tough . While I was doing so – I remember the sympathetic glances that I used to get from people who were passing by.

Phenomenon

There are some people that you come across on your life which are a living phenomenon in themselves. I work with one of them. I am amazed how does this person manage so much – I think we are all being brought up with the fact that we need to pushing and need to be aggressive. I met someone who changed the whole paradigm for me. The person got across not only captured success but also   hearts and minds. Why cannot I be more like that – how I forget this for that – and then I think it is not really a person but a phenomenon . Once in a while we meet some one that makes us think – of the fact - this is possible

Leading leaders

One day I took a fancy and thought I will write about leadership and the portfolio that I work with - I meet some amazing leaders these days. When I meet them - sometimes what strikes me is the wonder that they are all humans - well what else did I expect - just because they are written about in glossy magazines and newspapers they will not be human!It is such a surprise still! I am in awe of them for sure but one thing that I think constantly can we help leaders lead better - I will need to be there so that these leaders can learn from ..I think wherever I go the ghost of "learning " follows me - that is perhaps my purpose in life to constantly learn and evolve.
I thought the leaders will have a sense of accomplishment and pride but I am so shocked to find the good ones always see how long they have to go! I try to see what makes them tick - is there a a common denominator on which so many books have been written -but I find so much uniqueness in each one of them really!

Perhaps is it is just there uniqueness that makes them so significant ?

My first

I am slightly excited about this my first blog and I am such a sucker for learning - I renew myself so much or at least that is what I will like to believe - I am sometimes like a sponge I keep on learning that I discover I have so much More to learn and that bother the hell out me - why cannot I learn faster - but then I brood - you cannot fast forward everything in life - somethings take time to blossom -I get stressed out at the fact as to why I am not reading or learning More - what if I don't learn enough .. why are there so many things to read and learn from

From times immemorial I have never been jealous or envious of prettier women, wealthy people, or great status. But I must admit I am terribly jealous of people who know much more than me and then I tell myself good I have to catch up

From today till tomorrow

I was working today thinking how much hard  I work and what all hours I work - then I thought and looked out of my 13th floor apartment - everyone in Mumbai works hard - it is like a given . Not that I resist it but I just think of life and why do we exist - what drives us - earlier theory that animals wander in search of food - we all get food to eat - what is that know we wander for - more food? Are you kidding - if you talk to people these days - there is unending list of what we cannot eat rather than what we can . ...Imagine so if it is not food why do we run so much ? What we have got caught into? Some days I am so much near tears that food for which I run after I don't even get enough time to eat it well ... and then I think it is just today and tomorrow is going to change